Bodies
by Rebecca the Great
Summary: Post EW - When a confused and desperate Heero leaves Relena, Duo comes to his aid. But can Duo put aside his longings to help Heero figure out what he truly wants? 2+1 hints
1. Cast the Pearls Aside

Author's Note: Okay! Second attempt!   
  
Thalia: You mean you're actually going to write another song fic?  
  
Eros: Didn't you learn ANYTHING from your first one?  
  
Thanks for the vote of confidence.  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own GW, or the song "Bodies" by Smashing Pumpkins, the most rockin'-est band ever!  
NOTES: Song lyrics in //these//  
  
  
  
  
//Cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need  
Come into my life forever  
The crumbled cities stand as known  
Of the sights you have been shown  
Of the hurts you call your own (you know you know)  
  
Love is suicide  
Love is suicide  
Love is suicide//  
  
  
  
Heero sat at the back of the restaurant in the corner booth, alone, cold, and wind-blown from his long ride on the motorcycle. He huddled over his mug of coffee wearily, inhaling the steam before sipping the stimulant. He drank it though it was bitter; he'd need the energy to keep driving. He wasn't far enough away yet.  
  
The Preventers would be after him shortly; Relena would see to that. He wondered what she'd tell them to get them to look for him. That he was kidnaped, maybe? But knowing her, she probably wouldn't even need an excuse. They'd do her bidding simply because she was Relena Peacecraft Dorlian, Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation. She wasn't manipulative, and she didn't abuse her power. She just compelled people.  
  
He'd left his ring on the night stand.  
  
It cost him dearly to leave her. He could feel the emptiness inside him more than ever. No purpose, no mission, no emotion to fill it, it ate at him steadily as he downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. He stood, pulled change out of his pocket, and scattered it across the table. He trudged back out into the chill breeze of spring. His motorcycle, the only thing of value he'd bought after the war, stood ready and waiting for him.  
  
So did someone else.  
  
Duo took a long drag on the cigarette, watching Heero approach. He grinned when the space cadet finally noticed him. Heero froze, staring blankly as if he couldn't process this new development. He took another drag and laughed as he dropped the filter and stepped on it.  
  
"Yo, Heero. Long time no see," he said casually.  
  
  
  
  
"How did you find me?" Heero asked, sounding surprised.  
  
"Well, it's an interesting story. Y'see, at about four a.m. L2 time, Relena calls me with a little problem. How the hell she got my number, I don't know. I would've hung up on dear Relena-chan right away. That is, ~if~ she hadn't mentioned an old partner of mine. Seems he'd gotten cold feet, and she was wondering if he'd contacted me. Selfish of her, really. Woke both Hilde and me up, demanding to see her fiance," Duo explained as Heero came up to him. "But because I'm really all heart, I decided to come down here and look for her fiancé. Have you seen him?"  
  
"Hn. What are you going to do now?" Heero demanded, crossing his arms.   
  
Duo rocked back on his heels and perched his hands on his hips, examining his war buddy. Even in the vague illumination of the neon sign above the diner door, he could tell the other was not fairing well. They had both grown taller, but Duo noted that the top of Heero's head was level with his own eyes. Heero had become more broad-shouldered as well, but his face had the thinness of worry, with the hollows in his cheeks more prominent and dark circles around his eyes. He was wearing his jeans and blue jacket, and looked so achingly familiar that the American had to resist the urge to tackle him in a fierce hug.   
  
"I dunno," he relied as he strangled the urge. "What do you want me to do?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I didn't rush down to earth to drag your sorry ass kicking and screaming back to Relena," Duo said point blank. "I want to keep you from screwing yourself over royally."  
  
"I don't need your advice."  
  
"I never offered it. I'm saying that ~you~ need to figure out some things, and I'm gonna help as best I can."  
  
"What are these things I need to figure out?" Heero asked in his I'm-pissed-because-you-saw-something-I-was-trying-to-hide voice. Duo resisted a smug grin, then ticked off reasons on his fingers.  
  
"Whether or not you really want to get away from Relena and whether or not you're coping with peace. Same things I had to ask myself, sans the Relena bit," Duo replied. "Anyhow, I took the liberty of procuring a cabin in the mountains near here. All the comforts of home, plus it's so out of the way that the Preventers don't even know it exists. You can spend as much time there as you like, if you want to come with me."  
  
Heero stood stock still, considering for a moment. Duo stared at him firmly, trying not to look worried. The longer he had to wait, the more he began to doubt the wisdom of his actions. Why would Heero want to talk to him, after all this time? Would Heero still trust him? It'd been two years since they'd last seen each other, and they hadn't exactly been pen pals. He knew he probably shouldn't have come. It brought back too many feelings he'd thought he was over. But he really hadn't had a choice; from the moment he saw Relena's face when he answered the phone, he knew he would have to do this.  
  
"All right," Heero agreed after such a long time that Duo was startled. "Do you have transportation?"  
  
"Nope, I hitched a ride here," Duo said, thanking Wufei mentally. The other former gundam pilot had mislead the other Preventers away from this area after he'd discovered Heero's presence. The five pilots still were bonded by something strong enough to make them protective of one another. Obviously Wufei had noticed Heero's mental state and had wanted to be sure his comrade was all right. Or something like that. Duo didn't ~think~ Wufei would be so spiteful as to deliberately thwart Relena's wedding, but the Chinese boy's motives were hazy at the best of times.  
  
"Then get on. We're going to keep moving for a while more," Heero said, trying to push past Duo to get on the motorcycle. Duo put out a hand and stopped him.  
  
"Hey, man, you're still a superhero, but you've been driving for about twenty-eight hours straight, if my calculations are correct. You ain't drivin' ~me~ around in that state. You'd fall asleep and crash and we'd ~both~ die," Duo said teasingly. "Leave this to someone who's actually awake, ne?"  
  
Heero glared dangerously at him. Then he thrust the keys at Duo, hopped onto the bitch-seat, and looked at Duo challengingly. Duo had to grin. He hadn't thought Heero would actually agree to the suggestion. He straddled the machine, and started it up with an impressive rumble. He revved the engine in approval, then put it in gear. Heero snatched at his shoulders to keep from falling off as they peeled out of the parking lot. Duo laughed at him while squeezing the throttle, and they sped off toward the highway.  
  
  
  
  
Later on, Duo yawned. The drive had been invigorating at first, with the wind in his face and Heero behind him. He'd missed earth, with it's fresh, unrecycled air and the beautiful blue-black sky full of stars. He could almost pretend that they were ~together~, not just close enough to feel the heat of one another in spite of the rush of the cold wind.   
  
Sometime after the sun rose, Heero fell asleep. Though Duo guiltily relished the feel of Heero's arms around his waist, Heero's chest against his back, and - most endearing of all - Heero's cheek against his shoulder, he realized that his passenger must be even more exhausted than first anticipated. Otherwise, Heero would ~never~ have allowed himself the weakness. Duo shifted his weight to compensate for Heero's insensibility. This would be difficult. Not the driving, but the whole "mission" he was on. Getting Heero to realize his true feelings for Relena, whether he loved her or not, was going to be tough. The young man was as easy to figure out as a Rubix cube.  
  
Maybe it was a mistake to think he was over Heero enough to do this. But really, how could he hang back when Relena had called, hysterical and accusing him of hiding Heero away from her? He grinned wickedly. How could he resist doing exactly what the girl accused him of? She irked him so much with her superior attitude and her high-handed ways, not to mention the fact that it was ~she~ who'd gotten Heero. He brooded on that for a moment.  
  
* Well, I never had a claim to Heero. * he admitted to himself. * I guess I can't actually ~blame~ Relena for taking him...*  
  
He frowned, angry at himself. Determined to stop thinking for the rest of the drive, he turned down the dirt road that would take him to the cabin.  
  
Duo pulled into the yard outside the small building about an hour later and parked the bike, putting the kickstand down. He bit back a sigh of regret when he nudged Heero with his elbow. Heero grunted softly and stirred. His arms tightened around Duo's waist and he made a small noise of protest.  
  
Duo quirked an eyebrow and grinned, though he had to fight off a blush. "Good morning to you too," he said in his distinct tenor.  
  
~That~ snapped Heero awake. His eyes opened comically wide and he released Duo hurriedly. He almost fell off the bitch-seat, but caught his balance in the nick of time.  
  
"Gomen," he muttered while Duo snickered.  
  
"C'mon, man. We're here," the American said, dismounting. He pulled the key from his pocket as he approached the door to the building.   
  
Heero shuffled behind him, trying to work the cramps out of his back, neck, and legs as he vowed never to fall asleep on a motorcycle again. Duo quickly got the door open, and they went inside. It was dim and dingy, and it had the musty smell of unaired house. Duo hit the light switch and the place brightened marginally in the light of a bare 60-watt bulb hanging overhead.  
  
It was a hunters' cabin and it was built to use the small area to the fullest efficiency. Bunk-beds lined the far wall of the main room. A threadbare couch placed in the center of it face the wall to the right, where an outdated television sat. The tiny kitchen was separated from the main room by a peninsula counter that doubled as the table. The compressed bathroom was the only other room in the cabin. Duo's backpack lay on the floor beside the bottom bunk, and the lack of dust and cobwebs suggested that the American had cleaned up a bit beforehand.  
  
"Wufei told me about this place once. Said he'd used it during the war, before we had to go back up to space," Duo said as he walked in. He turned back to face Heero, who still stood in the doorway. "You gonna come in, or you just gonna stare all day?"  
  
Heero loped inside as Duo opened the cupboard under the peninsula. The braided ex-pilot pulled out sheets and blankets, which were clean but musty. They could wait to be washed. Duo was dead tired and rather sore from riding a motorcycle for roughly eight hours, with only a couple breaks to fill gas. He made the two beds quickly while Heero used the bathroom.  
  
"Which do you want?" Duo asked when Heero emerged. "The top or the bottom?"  
  
The other young man just shrugged as he took off his jacket. Duo rolled his eyes. He'd almost managed to forget how exasperating Heero could be with his silent communication.   
  
"Fine, I'll take the top," Duo said. He divested himself of his black leather bomber jacket and his combat boots. "And I'm beat, so I'm gonna pass out for a while. Explore the mountain or something if you don't wanna sleep."  
  
"Hn," Heero commented as Duo clambered up into the bunk.  
  
As he drifted off to sleep, he wondered again if this was a wise idea.  
  
  
  
Heero paced the small area between the back of the couch and the peninsula. He crossed his arms broodingly and glowered at his unconscious friend. It hadn't been ~that~ long since he'd last seen Duo, yet it felt like a lifetime ago that they'd been partners. Hell, it seemed a lifetime ago that he'd been living at the Peacecraft mansion. Amazing what thirty-six hours of freedom could do.  
  
Freed from the pressure of Relena's attentions, Heero felt like a new man. He was finally able to think clearly, without the young woman's views superimposed over his own. Yet, along with the freedom came a heavy burden of guilt. He ~did~ genuinely care for Relena. But... something was missing, something was off-kilter in their relationship. He'd felt out-of-control.  
  
* But don't people say that's what love is? * he argued in his mind. Was he throwing away something wonderful simply because he was too frightened by what it entailed?  
  
He frowned harder, not able to answer the question. It was a strange thing to him, not being able to sort out his own feelings and reasons.  
  
* Duo said that's what he wanted to help me with. How'd he know? *  
  
The American turned in his sleep to face Heero, his slack mouth parted very slightly. Heero observed him as he began to snore quietly. There was more to Duo than first appeared. Heero wondered with chagrin if he actually knew his former partner at all. He felt a twinge of regret that he hadn't cultivated any real friendship with the young man in the war, and was confused as to why Duo would come to his proverbial rescue when they hadn't even spoken together since the Mariemeia incident.  
  
Heero yawned suddenly, his jaw almost cracking from opening so wide. The few hours of uneasy rest he'd gotten on the back of the motorcycle had done little to alleviate his fatigue. He crossed to the lower bunk and sat on it wearily. The rusty box-springs groaned under his weight as he kicked his shoes off and swung his legs under the covers. Worrying could wait, he decided. Right now, he needed sleep.   
  
  
  
After he woke up on the first day, Duo went to get supplies in a town a few valleys away. Somehow, he managed to pack enough food to last them a week onto the motorcycle. Then he visited the liquor store and stole two pints of Jack Daniel's. He stole because he didn't have his fake ID with him, and besides which he didn't want to waste his money on alcohol. It was just in case Heero wouldn't spill his guts by merely talking to him. Then Duo would see if getting him drunk first would help.  
  
* Besides, * Duo thought with a devious grin, * it'd be friggin' funny to see Heero drunk. *  
  
When he arrived back at the house, Heero was gone. A note written on a scrap of yellowed paper explained that he'd gone for a hike in the mountains and would be back sometime that evening. Duo sighed in disappointment, but not surprise. He knew Heero would probably need some alone time. Duo began putting things away, and when the groceries were stowed and the liquor hidden in the back of the fridge, he washed the blankets and sheets in the bathtub. Growing up in filth had made him supremely appreciative of the luxury of being clean. Ever since he'd been able to, he kept everything as clean as possible.   
  
As he was hanging the sheets out to dry on a elderly clothesline behind the cabin, he heard footsteps grinding in the stoney dirt to his left. He turned to see Heero coming out of the trees. He smiled and gave a little wave, neither of which Heero returned. His heart twisted and he turned back to the clothesline with a frown on his face. He knew what Heero was like, but he had hoped the boy he'd known had opened up with maturity.  
  
"Where were you this morning?" Heero asked when he was in earshot.  
  
"Went shopping," Duo said with a shrug of his shoulder. "You hungry?"  
  
A noncommital noise was all he got in response.   
  
"Come on, then, I'll make us something to eat," he said.  
  
  
  
Heero followed Duo with some trepidation. He recalled Duo's cooking from a few of their missions together. Not that his own cooking skill was better, but he realized with chagrin that living here for any length of time was going to be tough on his digestive system. He sat on one of the stools at the peninsula-table resignedly, watching as Duo got ingredients out of the cupboard and fridge. Duo must have noticed his expression, because he grinned wryly.  
  
"Don't worry, man. Hilde taught me how to make a few things that are actually edible," he said.  
  
"Hilde?" Heero repeated the vaguely familiar name.  
  
"Yeah, she got sick of the fire alarm going off in our apartment every time it was my turn to make dinner," the braided man said, pouring water into a warped kettle and setting it on the stove.  
  
"Who's Hilde?" Heero asked, upset with himself for not remembering.  
  
Duo looked at him and cocked his head. "You remember that chick who brought us the data on Libra? The girl on the gurney?"  
  
"Oh. Her," Heero said. He pressed his lips together as Duo went back to work. Relena had told him to practice making small talk because as the husband of a diplomat he'd be expected to mix with the elite. He needed social skills, but he'd never tried to develop any. Now he wished he knew what to say. He actually wanted to talk with Duo, to get to know him and to take his mind off his own life for a bit. But how?  
  
"So... you're living together?" he asked after a long time, then winced inwardly at how stiff and awkward he sounded. But that was how he felt in this unfamiliar place with an almost-stranger. Duo glanced up from cutting carrots, looking surprised.  
  
"Yeah, but it's not what you think. We're just really good friends is all," Duo replied. "I feel kinda left out, you know. I'm the only single gundam pilot left. Wufei and Sally are dating, did you know? And Trowa and Quatre are practically married by now - "  
  
Heero looked up sharply. "Trowa and Quatre are what?"  
  
Duo looked up again, shocked. His knife stilled on the cutting board. "You didn't ~know~?"  
  
"Know what?" Heero growled, feeling stupid. He'd suspected something was up between those two, but he never could place it-  
  
"Well, they're together. Romantically. I probably shouldn't have let it slip, if they didn't tell you themselves. I thought you knew already, though," Duo explained with a shrug.  
  
"Hn," was all Heero could think of to say. He clenched his hands on the counter top.  
  
"You okay with that?" Duo asked, going back to cutting the carrots.  
  
"With what?"  
  
"You know. With Trowa and Quatre being gay," Duo said vaguely.  
  
Heero blinked. Was he okay with it? He just found out about it! He hadn't had time to even think about that yet. He frowned. He was thinking about it ~now~. Trowa and Quatre, together in ~that~ way, holding hands how Relena liked to, or even ~kissing~ how Relena kissed him. Somehow... despite the shock of finding out, he wasn't surprised. The two boys somehow were... right for each other.  
  
"I guess. They're good people," he replied after a pause.  
  
"Aaannnnnyyyyhow," Duo said, putting the carrots on a plate and setting them in front of Heero. "Have a snack while we wait. As I was saying before, even that schizophrenic Zechs hooked up with Noin. I'm the only unattached one, or at least, I was until recently. I'm not sure if I can't count you as unattached, though."   
  
Heero grunted and picked up a carrot stick. He munched it slowly, thinking about what Duo said. Unattached. No, he wouldn't say he was. He was merely away from the person he was attached to. The thought sat uneasily with him for some reason.  
  
* Do I miss her? * he wondered. He'd never missed anything before. Maybe the hollowness he felt was longing? Then was he truly in love? Should he go back?  
  
  
  
Duo stirred the macaroni noodles, frowning as he did so. He was relieved that Heero wasn't a homophobe, but he was entirely too hopeful now. He reminded himself that it was a ~very~ long step between tolerance and willingness. Besides which, he was ~not~ here to seduce Heero. He was here to get the moron's head on the right way. He could tell Heero was confused; it showed in his uncertain body language, his unguarded facial expressions. Well, as unguarded as Heero got.  
  
"Duo," Heero said after a long silence. Duo managed not to jump in startlement. He turned around, putting the old wooden spoon down on the counter top.  
  
"Yeah, Heero?"  
  
"Have you... ever been in love?" Heero asked, without looking up from the plate of carrots.  
  
* Well, shit. He doesn't start with easy questions, does he? * Duo thought, then said aloud, "Yeah. Once."  
  
"What's it like?" at that, Heero did look up, and his expression was at once forbidding and vulnerable. Only Heero could that pull off. Duo resisted a snort at the thought; Heero would probably take it the wrong way.  
  
"It's hard to explain," Duo hedged, and he turned the heat of the burner down before going to sit on the other stool. He gathered his thoughts, tried to figure out how to explain his emotions without getting either too mushy or too obvious.  
  
"It's different for everyone, mind you," he began, "For me, it's like... there's this tension in you went you see them, but it's a good kind of tension. They bring out the best qualities in you, and you want to be with them for no reason at all. And when they aren't around, they're all you can think about. They drive you nuts sometimes, but you always forgive them in the end. Love is when you would do anything for someone, anything to make them happy. Even if it means that you're not..."  
  
He trailed off, hoping Heero wouldn't notice the copious use of non-gender-specific pronouns. He felt so stupid, quite sure that his explanation lacked a great deal. Like how he'd felt dizzy and content sometimes, back in the old days, when he and Heero were on a mission together. Like how much it had ~hurt~ to come to terms with the fact that he could never have the one person he loved so deeply. Like how he'd almost been ~glad~ when the Mariemeia incident occurred, just because he would get to see him again.  
  
He ~did~ jump in startlement when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up across the table at Heero, who looked very serious.  
  
"Heero?" he managed to ask.   
  
"Duo... " the Japanese man began quietly.   
  
"Yeah?" Duo said, nervously scanning Heero's face.  
  
"The noodles are boiling over."  
  
The words were so far from what Duo expected, all he could do was blink for a second. Then he actually processed what Heero said. He leapt up comically fast.  
  
"Aiyah! The noodles!"  
  
  
  
  
//The empty bodies stand at rest  
Casualties of their own flesh  
Afflicted by their dispossession  
But no bodies ever knew  
nobodys  
No bodies felt like you  
nobodys  
  
Love is suicide  
Love is suicide  
Love is suicide//  
  
  
  
  
A week passed with nothing much happening. Duo and Heero went on long hikes everyday, exploring the forested mountains by following game trails. Slowly, they were getting to know each other better. For example, Duo learned that Heero had a weakness for fresh vegetables, especially carrots and lettuce salads. Heero learned that Duo was not the one-dimensional joker he'd assumed the American to be during the war. They discussed politics, finding that they agreed on many points. Heero, who'd been guilty because his views differed so radically from Relena's, felt much better.  
  
The dark hollowness inside him wouldn't abate, however, and at times grew to an aching poignancy almost too sharp for him to bear.  
  
One such time came when he and Duo had been hiking all day and were heading back to the cabin. Duo walked jauntily ahead and rambled about something or other he'd heard from Quatre. Heero listened with only half an ear, concentrating mostly on his footing; the path was steep and rocky with ancient tree roots popping up at irregular intervals. One false step and he might plummet over the 60-foot cliff off the right side of the path.  
  
They came to a bend in the path, coming out of the shade of the mountain and into the reddish-orange light of late evening. Heero shielded his eyes, keeping his gaze on the ground in front of him. So intent on not tripping, he didn't notice Duo had stopped until he ran into the braided young man. Duo was knocked off-balance and stumbled, nearly stumbling over the side of the cliff. Heero, feeling a wave of adrenalin flood through him like quicksilver, reached out and grabbed onto the most easily reachable part of him, his hips, and threw his own weight backwards.  
  
They landed in a heap against the trunk of a juniper tree. Duo lay heavily on top of Heero, stunned for a moment, and Heero panted a little from having the air knocked out of him when they'd hit the ground. Then Duo squirmed a bit, and Heero realized with some embarrassment that he still was holding Duo's waist. He hastily let go and the American rolled off him.  
  
"Gomen," Heero breathed, feeling very foolish for not looking where he was going.  
  
"Never mind," Duo said, sounding excited and breathless as he quickly stood. His face had a look of wonder on it that made him... different, somehow. He grabbed Heero's arm and yanked him to his feet, then turned him so he faced west into the setting sun. "Look."  
  
Heero looked. And felt his breath hitch in his throat.  
  
The vista before him was breathtaking. The mountains around him were lit with molten gold sunlight. The sky was on fire with it, blue turned to the colors of glowing hot coals with the high, feathery clouds burning bright magenta. The sweeping lines of the mountains directly in front of him were silhouetted in near-black. He could barely make out the cabin by shading his eyes and squinting.   
  
"Beautiful," Duo whispered, as if afraid anything louder would shatter this vision like glass.  
  
Heero couldn't even bring himself to nod in agreement. So heartbreakingly beautiful. He felt his throat tighten, and clenched his fists. This was almost too much. The void within him twisted, and he felt suddenly vulnerable. Uncertain. Unworthy. Yet he did not, could not look away.   
  
They stood like that for a time, watching until the sun was out of sight behind the mountains and the sky was fast turning darker blue. Heero came to realize that Duo still held his, Heero's, jacket sleeve as if he, Duo, had forgotten about it completely. And oddly enough, Heero didn't feel that it was an invasion of space as he would have even just and hour ago. Finally Duo stirred. He let go of Heero's sleeve, looking a bit embarrassed. He smiled a very uncharacteristic subdued smile.  
  
"Come on, it'll be dark soon," he said quietly. "I don't wanna break my neck trying to follow this path by starlight."  
  
"Aa," Heero replied, feeling wavery and drained. He forced his muscles, which now seemed stiff and heavy, to move.   
  
They didn't utter another word as they walked with reverent steps back to the cabin. They arrived inside just before full dark. Instead of breaking the silence and starting supper as Heero had expected, Duo grabbed a spare blanket and headed back outside. Intrigued, the Japanese ex-pilot followed. In the clearing just beyond the clothesline, Duo had spread the blanket and flopped down upon it, hands clasped behind his head.  
  
Heero stood there for a moment, and then went inside the small house. He came back out a moment later with Duo's jacket, which the other boy hadn't taken with on their hike. He tossed it onto Duo's lap and sat down next to him on the blanket. Duo smiled in gratitude, an expression Heero only caught by the faint glint of teeth , and put on the heavy black leather jacket.   
  
"What are we doing?" Heero asked in a low voice.  
  
"Waiting for the stars to come out," Duo told him in a similar tone, falling with a soft thud onto his back again. Heero leaned back more gracefully, adopting a similar position. There was a few minutes of silence before Duo suddenly pointed up.  
  
"There," he whispered. He went on in English, something that rhymed and that Heero, who only spoke a little of the language, couldn't decipher.  
  
"What's that?" he asked.  
  
Duo chuckled self-consciously. "It's a children's poem, kinda like a game. It means 'Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.' I learned it from Sister Helen - " He stopped suddenly, then continued. "Anyway, you say it, then you make a wish and it's supposed to come true."  
  
Heero digested this. It seemed a rather silly and naive superstition to him. But it added another piece to his knowledge of Duo, who he was starting to think was the most complicated person he knew. Well, maybe except for Zechs Marquis, but he wouldn't think of that man now. It seemed almost sacrilegious to dredge up memories of bitter rivalry tonight.   
  
"What did you wish for?" he asked to get his mind off the subject.  
  
"Can't tell you; that's part of it. You can't tell anyone what you wished for, or it won't come true," Duo explained, his tone light and teasing. "You wanna try it?"  
  
"I don't know the poem," Heero said. "Besides, it's just wishing. That stuff doesn't work. If you want something, you have to get it or do it yourself."  
  
Duo sighed heavily, his jovial air vanishing with the exhaled breath. "I know," he murmured. "But that's not the point."  
  
"What ~is~ the point?" Heero wanted to know, genuinely curious as to the other's motives. When Duo didn't answer, he went on, "Does it have to do with this woman - Sister Helen?"  
  
"Aa," Duo breathed. He didn't elaborate.  
  
Heero didn't press him; it seemed a touchy subject. He looked up at the sky, where more stars were shimmering into view across the inky blue-black sky. The Big Dipper was now visible, and he used it to find the Little Dipper. From there he went on to Cassiopeia, then Orion, then to the Seven Sisters. He was searching for Andromeda when Duo spoke again.  
  
"Sister Helen was a nun at the Maxwell Church on the colony I grew up on," he said, tone neutral. "I was a street rat, a war orphan, you know? Well, one day I stole from the priest of this church, Father Maxwell, and got caught.This guy, he coulda turned me in, but he didn't. He took me in, gave me food and a place to sleep. He and Sister Helen looked after me and a bunch of other kids. Sister Helen and I didn't get along at first, mostly because she wanted to cut my hair and I did ~not~ want her to."  
  
Heero felt his mouth quirk slightly at this. Duo and his almost ridiculous hair...  
  
"Finally, she gave up and taught me how to braid it and take care of it," Duo went on. "She took a special shine to me after that, I guess. I was the only kid there no one would adopt. A few people tried, but they were the wrong sort. They were either perverts or just wanted a handy little punching bag. So I ran away and went back to the church every time. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell always accepted me back, too.  
  
"Then, one day, they died. Because of some stupid terrorists and a very stupid eight-year-old who thought he could save the only people who gave a shit whether he lived or not," he finished, his voice no longer bland and flat but bitter and hoarse. Heero turned his head to look at him. Duo's body was a taut line, his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched.   
  
When after a while he opened his eyes, they reflected the faint pinpricks of starlight. He slanted a look at Heero, and their eyes met. For a long moment they held like that. Heero thought he saw something stirring in those depths, something both familiar and alien. He felt a shiver ghost down his back and didn't understand.Then Duo looked away.  
  
"That's why I'm Shinigami," he said and gave a mirthless, self-deprecating bark of laughter.  
  
"Were," Heero said, after a short pause.  
  
"Huh?" Duo said, looking at him in confusion.  
  
"You ~were~ Shinigami. You aren't any more. Just like I am no longer a soldier," Heero told him, moving his head to gave back at the stars.  
  
"That - that's not the same - " Duo stammered, sounding surprised.  
  
"Yes it is. The war made you into something, just as it did to me. We had no choice but to become what we are. The war is over. Therefore, we don't have to be what it made us anymore," he explained. "We are supposed to move on, ne?"  
  
"But - I - ....," said the American. His mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. Then, without warning, he grinned widely and laughed again, but this time with actual humor. "You know, here I am, trying to help ~you~ get your head together, and you go and prove that I have no freakin' clue what I'm doing. That I'm just as fucked-up as you are, if not more so. Talk about the blind leading the blind."  
  
"That's not what I meant," Heero began, frowning. He really did appreciate the effort Duo was making; he enjoyed getting to know someone. He'd never really had the chance to with anyone, not counting Relena. Hell, he wasn't sure how well he knew ~her~, even. After all, he'd thought he'd had Duo's whole personality pegged before, and now, only a week later, he realized just how wrong he was. He had never talked with Relena like he did with Duo. How much did he really know about her?  
  
"Daijoubu," Duo said placatingly, bringing Heero out of the split-second reverie. "I got your message, loud and clear. No more morose musings on the past. We've got to look forward, not backward, and all that jazz. Gotta change with the times, ne?"  
  
"Hai," Heero agreed.  
  
They watched the stars in silence for a while longer.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What's that poem again?"  
  
  
  
  
Duo woke up with a crick in his neck, a sore back, and no feeling in his left leg. He groaned sleepily, twisting into the warmth at his side, and arm draping over it. He nuzzled into soft, tickling hair that smelt familiar. Like...   
  
"...Heero?" he murmured, opening his eyes as a mixture of confusion, elation, and cold dread welled in his chest. Sure enough, Heero was spooned against him, the Japanese youth's back to his chest. They had fallen asleep outside. No wonder he was sore; he'd been sleeping on rocks all night. Dawn was just now peeking over the eastern mountain tops.  
  
* Shit. * Duo thought, dread overwhelming the elation. He released Heero cautiously so as not to wake him up and got to his feet, stretching the kinks out of his back and pacing a bit to work the excruciating pins-and-needles feeling out of his leg. Heero continued to snooze obliviously. Duo debated on whether to wake him or not, and decided not to. Heero's face was just so... peaceful. That was as far as he'd let himself get, knowing if he went any further he'd get disgustingly poetic and sappy. Instead, he knelt and ever so carefully hefted him in his arms.   
  
Heero was no feather-weight. He was short and thin, but he was all dense muscles and sturdy bones. It was a good thing that Duo was not the ninety-eight-pound weakling he looked to be, either. Working at his salvage yard had kept him strong and fit, and he managed to carry Heero into the cabin. Duo set his friend down on the lower bunk, took Heero's shoes off, and pulled the covers over him. Then he went back outside to get the blanket and shake it out.  
  
He couldn't believe he'd actually gotten up the nerve to tell Heero about his past. Granted, not ~all~ the details, but he'd never told ~anyone~ - not even Hilde - about the Maxwell Church. It surprised him that he actually felt better for it. He knew Heero wasn't the sort to tell anyone else. It was hard enough to get the guy to talk in the first place.  
  
He ~was~ getting better, though. He actually kept up his end of the conversation last night. Quite an improvement. Maybe he'd open up soon and spill about what was going on in his life. Then... well, Duo didn't know what he'd do then. They'd have to play it by ear and see what happened.  
  
Just then, his belly growled loudly and petulantly.  
  
He gave a sardonic grin. So much for serious contemplation. He hadn't eaten since the granola bars he and Heero ate for lunch while hiking yesterday. Food first, he decided as he folded the blanket and went inside. He could think deep thoughts later.  
  
Half an hour later, the pancakes were staking up on two plates and he scrambled the eggs cheerfully, singing a popular rock song as he did so. He heard Heero groan from his bunk and grinned deviously. He sang louder, banging the dirty dishes in the sink and then scraping the eggs into a bowl. Duo set the food on the table along with milk and syrup, then strolled briskly across the small living room, crawling over the back of the couch in the process.  
  
"Oh, Heeeeeerrrooo!" he called. "Wakey wakey!"  
  
Heero groaned again, pulling his pillow over his head and turning to face the wall. Duo smiled. Heero was so ~cute~ sometimes. Not that he would ever tell Heero that. He wasn't ~completely~ stupid. Still, it ~was~ time to get up. He grabbed the covers and peeled them back. Then he yanked the pillow from over Heero's ear.  
  
"Rise and shine!" he said loudly. "Breakfast is ready and waiting!"  
  
"Mmph," said Heero, rolling onto his other side to glare at Duo, who did his best to look innocent.  
  
"You don't want your pancakes to get cold, do you?" he asked reasonably.  
  
Heero sighed and capitulated, getting to his feet. He noticed his still-clothed state and looked at Duo questioningly.  
  
"Yeah, well, we both kinda fell asleep outside," Duo said with a shrug, hoping he wasn't blushing. "I didn't think it would be fair to wake you up when I woke up. I mean, at least ~one~ of us should get some rest."  
  
"Sou ka," Heero rumbled, stretching. Duo looked away, lest he be caught staring at the way Heero's body rippled attractively.   
  
"Anywho, I need to go in town for supplies again today. I'd offer to take you with me, but you're still a wanted man. It's prolly for the best if you just stay put," Duo said as they both crossed to the peninsula/table.  
  
"Aa," Heero agreed.  
  
They ate in companionable silence, mostly because both were too busy stuffing food in their mouths to talk much. Hiking was hungry business without waiting ten extra hours, and both ex-pilots were ravenous. Finally, when all the pancake batter had been used up and the two young men were sated, Duo pushed his chair back.  
  
"Well! I'd better get going if I want to be the first in the check-out line! Clean up the dishes, kay? Byyyyee!" he called as he snatched his jacket off the couch and rapidly departed. Heero blinked after him, then frowned when he realized he'd just been stuck with a mountain of dirty dishes, bowls, pans, and cooking utensils.  
  
  
  
  
Duo pulled some change out of his pocket and inserted the coins into the slot on the payphone. He dialed the familiar number, though this time he had to add on extra area codes, and then waited while the number connected. Then he listened to a phone ring four times before it was finally picked up.  
  
"Hello?" the speaker grated out as a fuzzy picture of formed on the screen.  
  
"Hey, Hilde! You miss me?"   
  
"Duo! Of course I miss you! The guys don't listen to me without the Duo Maxwell to perform the strangle-hold glomp on them if they don't get their jobs done," the bright-eyed girl replied, breaking into a lopsided smile. "Where are you?"  
  
"Somewhere with mountains. Dunno ~exactly~ where," he said, scratching the back of his head.  
  
"Duo!"  
  
"So I'm lousy at geography! Gimme a break!"  
  
"How's the search coming along?" Hilde asked, leaning closer and scratching her ear. Duo recognized the signal. Someone was monitoring their conversation.   
  
"Swimmingly," Duo said, using the code word they'd agreed upon before he left and thus communicating that he had indeed found Heero. He ~knew~ that Relena wouldn't wait for him to notify her if he found Heero. The woman had no trust in him, which was probably well-founded, considering. But he didn't like the idea of someone tapping into his and Hilde's private conversations.  
  
Before he left, he and Hilde devised a simple system to let her know if he'd found Heero so she could tell Wufei. He didn't dare call Wufei directly, because Relena would probably monitor Wufei's phone lines as well. But Hilde had the access to encoding technology which Duo had left behind for his sojourn with Heero. Wufei's only stipulation when he'd offered to help Duo out was that the American had to let him know if he found Heero or not, and Duo always paid his debts.  
  
"Oh really?" Hilde asked, skepticism coloring her tone.  
  
"Well... except for one thing."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"I have ~no~ clue where the bastard has gotten to," he told her, and he grinned embarrassedly. It wasn't ~quite~ a lie; he didn't know if Heero was still in the cabin or if he'd gone on a hike or something.  
  
"Duo!" Hilde exclaimed, then began to scold. "What are you doing down there? Sniffing the flowers? Waiting for Heero just to stroll up to you and say, 'Please oh ~please~ take me back to Relena!'?"  
  
"So you're saying that isn't too likely?"  
  
Hilde laughed. "You -"  
  
"I know, I know. Baka," he said, tapping his temple and crossing his eyes.  
  
"Seriously though, when are you coming back?" she asked, eyes a little anxious.  
  
"I'll prolly hang out here a couple more days, see if anything turns up. After that, who knows? It's really beautiful down here, it being spring and all. I might stick around to enjoy it," he hedged.  
  
Hilde sighed. "I do miss you, you know? So try not to be too long if you can't find him."  
  
"I'm not leaving till he's found. I don't do things by halves," Duo told her stubbornly.  
  
"I know. Just don't ~over~ do it. Kay?"  
  
"Kay. See ya, Hilde!" he caroled with a parting wave before he hung up. He felt good as he hopped off the sidewalk and onto the bike, kicking it to life. He was making progress with Heero, he'd notified the necessary authorities, and thrown Relena off the scent in the process.   
  
They'd have all the time in the world now. Though if Heero didn't crack soon, Duo was tempted to throw in the towel. It wasn't really fair, and he chastised himself for thinking about leaving. It'd take longer than a week of chumminess to get Heero to trust him. Ah, well. It wasn't like he was suffering anymore than usual. Granted, it was a constant thorn in his side that his obsession was so close and yet so far away. But he'd take mere companionship over nothing at all.   
  
Duo had thought he was over Heero, but now he knew he was ~not~. Ignoring his feelings had been easy a few days ago, when he hadn't had the slightest hope he'd ever see the Japanese boy again. Now he felt the constant ache of longing welling up again, like blood seeping out of a freshly-healed torn open anew. It just wasn't fair. But then, life never ~had~ been fair. One would've thought he'd be used to it by now.  
  
Frowning at himself for waxing angsty and self-pitying, Duo sped down the main road of the town and pulled in at the grocery store. But, as he began shopping, he decided to crack open the Jack Daniel's that night. Not for Heero's sake, but for his own.  
  
God, he needed a cigarette.  
  
  
  
  
TBC... 


	2. Love is Suicide

DISCLAIMER: I don't own GW, or the song "Bodies" by Smashing Pumpkins, the most rockin'-est band ever!  
NOTES: Song lyrics in //these//  
  
  
  
  
//Now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace  
You can't help deny forever  
The tragedies reside in you  
The secret sights hide in you  
The lonely nights divide you in two, in two, in two//  
  
  
  
  
"Heero! I'm home!" Duo called, bursting in the front door, arms laden with plastic bags filled with groceries. "Could you get the rest? They're in the saddle-bags."  
  
Heero looked up from where he was sitting on the couch. He hastily pressed a button on the remote to turn off the ancient television set. He didn't notice the odd look Duo gave him as he got to his feet and went out to the motorcycle. Duo set his load down on the peninsula, then grabbed the remote from the couch cushion. He clicked the T.V. on.  
  
" - ign of my fiancee, I am determined to find him. Whoever has kidnaped him will be brought to justice," Relena was saying, the flash of cameras constantly lighting up her face behind the podium. She looked as if she hadn't slept for days, and her eyes were suspiciously bright as she gave her speech. "The search for him will continue until we have either found him or found conclusive evidence of his - his death."  
  
Heero had been watching her speech about him. Duo felt his heart wrench a little, and he promptly squashed the emotion down. He had no right to feel betrayed. He was honestly trying to help Heero, and if that meant he'd have to give Heero back to ~her~, so be it. Still, this was salt poured into his slowly bleeding wound.  
  
Heero stood in the doorway, observing silently for a moment, his presence unnoticed. Duo watched the screen, a strange, desolate look on his face. It unnerved Heero. He glanced from the braided boy to Relena's visage on the screen.   
  
* Could he...? * he thought, and didn't finish.   
  
Instead, he walked in, breaking Duo's reverie with the rustle of plastic bags. Duo clicked the T.V. off, then turned to him, smile back on his face as if someone had flipped a switch. It was completely convincing, too. There was even a mischievous spark in his eyes. If Heero hadn't seen melancholy there a moment before, he'd never have guessed.  
  
"Ne, Heero, whatcha wanna do after we get done unpacking the supplies?" Duo asked cheerfully. "Remember that stream we saw yesterday? D'you think it's warm enough to go for a dip?"  
  
"Hn. Maybe," Heero replied noncommittally.  
  
Duo pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and withdrew a white cylinder. He lit it with a silver Zippo lighter and took a deep drag on it. Heero watched disapprovingly as he set his bags next to Duo's on the counter top.  
  
"Why do you do that?" he asked, gesturing when his hands were free. "You didn't during the war."  
  
"What, smoke? Nah, I suppose I didn't," Duo told him airly. "It was just something I picked up. I'm full of bad habits, really. Besides, I don't chain smoke or anything. I go through about a pack every three months. I only do it when I'm stressed or nervous or something."  
  
"What are you stressed about now?"  
  
Duo looked startled. "Now?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh... it's... nothing important. You wouldn't be interested," Duo dismissed the question, not quite hiding his hesitation.  
  
"Hn."  
  
They worked in silence, putting the groceries away. Heero watched Duo out of the corner of his eye. There was something amiss here, in the way Duo was acting. Or rather, in the way he ~wasn't~ acting. He'd opened up last night, revealing the bleaker side to his happy-go-lucky nature, and just now Heero had glimpsed it again. The darker-haired young man knit his brows in a slight frown. What did it mean?  
  
  
  
That afternoon saw Heero and a sodden, shivering Duo staggering back to the cabin.   
  
The stream turned out to be much colder and rockier than it had looked from a distance. Duo had waded in with his pants rolled up to test the temperature and had slipped on a mossy rock. He'd given a strangled squawk before he'd fallen over. Heero couldn't help but to smirk at first, having said the river was too cold to swim in anyway. Then Duo hobbled back to shore sheepishly, not even noticing he was trailing blood behind.  
  
Heero ~had~ noticed, though, and they washed out the wound - which was located on the outside of Duo's left ankle, just above the joint - as well as they could in the river. He made a make-shift bandage-slash-tourniquet out of Duo's socks, and they made the hike back to the cabin. Once inside, he sat Duo on the couch and got a first-aid kit from his motorcycle. He'd put it together himself, so it had considerably more than band-aids and antiseptic. As he started to prepare the suturing needle, Duo's eyes widened.  
  
"Is that really necessary?," he asked, eyeing the needle warily.  
  
"The cut is too deep to leave as it is," Heero replied. "It won't heal correctly. Besides, this won't take long."  
  
"That's not exactly what I'm concerned about," Duo told him, crossing his arms. Heero stared at him until he blushed slightly and elaborated in an embarrassed tone, "It's just that I don't like needles."  
  
Heero gave him a skeptical look. "It's just a needle, and it's sterilized. If you hold still, this'll be over in two seconds."  
  
"I'll be timing," Duo said, crossing his arms and staring up at the ceiling. Heero snorted and began to work.  
  
Duo went horribly tense; when Heero glanced at him, his face was a scowling mask and his fingers gripped his arms so tightly they were white-knuckled. Heero didn't understand the irrational fear itself, but he did understand the effect it had. He sped up the process to make it as quick and efficient as he possibly could. He put the seventeenth and final stitch in, dabbed an antibiotic salve on the trail of thread, then wrapped it up in gauze.  
  
"Done," he said, sitting back and wiping the blood off of his hands.  
  
Duo looked at him with an unreadable expression. "That was longer than two seconds," he said, forcing his body to relax. "I need a smoke."  
  
As Heero cleaned up the medical supplies, Duo reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Unfortunately, it was as sodden as the rest of him. He cursed. Heero came out of the bathroom, drying his hands on a paper towel.   
  
"What is it?" he asked.  
  
"My smokes are ruined," Duo pouted. "It's time for something drastic."  
  
Heero just raised an eyebrow. Duo grinned a bit deviously.  
  
"Heero, my friend, have you ever gotten smashed?"  
  
  
  
  
Hours later, Heero finally admitted it was his first time being inebriated. Duo, who was also more than a bit tipsy, found this very funny, and laughed himself off his kitchen stool. Heero blinked at him owlishly, a slight smile coming to his own lips.  
  
"Baka. Get up," he said. "You'll tear your stitches."  
  
"Mmm... no, I don't think so. It's safer down here," Duo said. "Can't fall any farther, ya know?"  
  
"Good point."  
  
"Ne, Heero, wanna hear a joke?" Duo didn't bother waiting for an answer. "So these three pieces of string walk into a bar, and the bartender goes, 'Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here.'"  
  
Heero wasn't listening to the rest of the joke. He was concentrating on how he felt very warm and flushed, how the world seemed very bright and happy, and how his hand was quivering as he poured himself another shot of whiskey. The stuff, while he had found it quite nasty to start, had such wonderful effects that he was willing to overlook the way it scorched his throat on the way down.  
  
"And the bit of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!'" Duo finished, then burst into another fit of laughter. "Get it? Frayed knot. 'Fraid not."  
  
"Hah," said Heero, putting the empty shot glass down.  
  
"Hey, man," Duo said, struggling back onto his seat. "How many of those have you had?"  
  
"I've had - " the Japanese boy frowned, trying to recall. " - anou..."  
  
Duo held the bottle up to the light and squinted at it as if it absorbed all his concentration. "~Damn~! You drank nearly this entire pint by yourself! And that's not countin' the pint we split!"  
  
"Is that bad?" Heero asked, wondering why the room was tilting to one side.  
  
"If it's not bad, then it's just fuckin' impressive!" Duo said, grinning crookedly - or was it Heero who was crooked? - and slapping him on the back. Then Duo slammed the rest of the Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle. "Hooo! Tha'ss some good stuff, ne, Heero?"  
  
"Aa," Heero agreed.  
  
There was a moment of silence as both of them forgot what had just been said. In that moment, Heero lost the faint smile he'd so recently acquired. He found his thoughts wandering back to Relena and the speech he'd seen this morning. She was truly worried about him. But... why was she lying about what had happened? Why was she saying he had been kidnaped? Did she actually think that? If she didn't, why was she so bent on getting him back when he obviously didn't want to be found? And what was Duo's problem? Why had he looked so... lost, so wistful when he'd watched Relena on television?   
  
Then he remembered something Duo had said the first day, when he'd asked him about love. "Love is when you would do anything for someone, anything to make them happy. Even if it means that you're not..." the braided young man had told him, a similar melancholy in his manner. Even in the alcohol-induced haze, Heero's mind made a connection. His eyes widened and he peered at Duo, who was smiling to himself and staring blankly at the whiskey bottle still in his hand.  
  
"Duo, are you in love with Relena?" The question tumbled out of his mouth before he could think to stop it. Duo's head snapped in his direction, utter shock and puzzlement written all over it.  
  
"Nani?!"  
  
"I saw you watching her speech this morning," Heero explained. "That look on your face..."  
  
"Ohhhh!" Duo said, face relaxing. "You misinterrupetted - misisinterpet - jumped to the wrong conclusion. I'm not hornin' in on your chick, so don't worry. In fact, I don't like Relena-chan all that much at all, in fact."  
  
"Ah. I see," Heero said. Then he was suddenly curious. Normally, he wouldn't pry, but tonight he was feeling daring and his mouth was already giving shape to his question. "Who were you in love with, then?"  
  
Duo's eyebrows raised, and he looked back down at the counter top. "Now, why do you wanna hear that?"  
  
"Just wondered. You said you'd been in love before."  
  
"Well, I don't think ~who~ is particularly important. I fell for them a long time ago," Duo said, realizing he was dangerously close to lying.   
  
"Come on. You've been pestering ~me~ all week to talk about my emotions," Heero pressured.  
  
"I don't wanna talk about it, Heero," Duo said in a low voice. "Don't make me."  
  
Heero frowned, feeling annoyed. Why was Duo being so evasive? It wasn't that important, was it? "Duo, tell me."  
  
Duo didn't respond.   
  
"Duo."  
  
"I'm not gonna tell," Duo said, getting up unstably. "I think you'd better stop askin' before one of us loses our temper."  
  
"I'm ~not~ gonna lose my temper," Heero insisted, rather too fervently for his statement to be believable. He felt anger heating his blood, but didn't quite understand why he was being so irrational. "Just tell me!"  
  
"No! Quit asking me!"  
  
"What's the big deal? Why can't you tell me?"  
  
"I just can't is all! Why are ~you~ throwing a tantrum about it?" Duo shot back as he began to walk away on wobbly legs. Heero grabbed his wrist and held on tightly.  
  
"'Cause I thought we trusted each other!" he almost shouted. "Isn't that why we're here?"  
  
"Don't talk to me about trust! I'm not the one who absolutely won't talk about myself! This conversation is the first time you said Relena's name since you got here!" Duo shouted back, desperate to get the subject off of his own love life.  
  
While he was a little afraid that the remark was too harsh, he was mostly relieved when Heero gaped like a fish for a moment, then looked down and released his arm. Duo watched as all the anger drained from Heero's frame, replaced by atypical vulnerability.  
  
"Gomen," Heero apologized quietly.  
  
Duo relented and sat back down. He scooted closer to the object of his affection and draped an arm about his shoulders.  
  
"S'all right," he said gruffly, not quite sure what to do.  
  
There was a long, long pause. Heero seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Duo was content to wait, relieved that Heero would finally open up..  
  
After a short pause, Heero spoke in a heavy, ponderous tone. "I don't think I love her."  
  
"What do you mean?" Duo asked, hope blossoming in his chest. He quashed it and waited for Heero to respond.  
  
"She wants me as a husband. A lover," Heero said slowly, thinking about each word as they flowed from his lips. "From what you said the other night, love is... different from what I feel for her. I don't know what I feel for her, but I don't love her. Not in the way you described, not in the way she wants.  
  
"She's just so... innocent. Like a child. Like a little girl..." he trailed off, his throat closing at the memory. The girl and her puppy. The flower, which he had dried and kept, but had since disintegrated into dust. He swallowed hard, then went on quietly, haltingly. "I - I know she's the most important person in the world. We ~need~ her for peace. I want to keep her safe. But - "  
  
Duo waited a moment, then gave Heero's shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "But?"  
  
"But," Heero said, voice a mere whisper as if he were afraid of saying it out loud. "When she kisses me. It's empty. No feeling. No emotion."  
  
The American absorbed this with a very serious nod. "It was like that with Hilde and me, back in the day. Before I realized that I'm - "  
  
Heero perked up a bit when his friend broke off suddenly. "You're what?"  
  
"I'm - er - not interested in her, romantically," Duo said quickly. "What were you were saying about Relena?"  
  
Though he could tell that the braided young man was changing the subject, Heero let it be. He didn't want another fight right now.  
  
"Relena is... charismatic," he continued slowly, thinking out loud. It seemed to be what Duo wanted him to do. "Everyone she meets is wrapped up in her way of thinking. She can get almost anyone to do almost anything. She's like Treize, in that way. The only one who can stand up to her will is Zechs. When I was with her, she took everything in me and made it so I was what she wanted. Because she is strong, and I am weak.  
  
"I didn't mind, at first. After Mariemeia, I was lost. I wanted to just fade away, like I had after the war. But she... she held onto me. I let her, because I wasn't strong enough to resist. Weak. Relena gave me structure, gave me purpose. She wanted me to be her knight, her protector, her lover. It was so simple to give in," he finished hesitantly. He knew he'd regret talking this freely later, but for now it felt all right. The world was very fuzzy around him. He was less aware of his surroundings, though he could still feel Duo's warmth at his side - and this, for some odd reason, was not an encroachment on his personal space.  
  
"She... took over... almost everything that made ~me~. I wasn't myself. I was... hers. I could feel myself losing pieces. I was changing, and I didn't like what I was changing into. It wasn't ~me~. So I ran," he finished, then gave a slight sigh. With a bit of surprise, he realized it felt good to tell someone.  
  
Duo nodded again and gave Heero's shoulders a squeeze. "That seems wise."  
  
"Hn."  
  
Suddenly, the American laughed. Heero liked the sound of Duo's laugh; it was hearty and exuberant and it made him want to join in. He didn't, but he felt a smile once again tilt the corners of his mouth.  
  
"Well, that's good enough for me!" Duo said, slapping Heero soundly on the back. "I hereby certify you as Unattached!"  
  
"Unattached?" Heero repeated dumbly.  
  
"You an' me are the Unattached Gundam Pilots!" Duo declared. "We don't have significant others and we're proud of it!"  
  
Duo started to giggle again, but Heero was starting to feel nauseous. His head swam unpleasantly, so he laid it down on the table. Eventually, Duo calmed down enough to notice.  
  
"Ne, daijoubu?" the braided man asked.  
  
"Hnnn..." Heero groaned, then had to swallow hard to keep from expelling the contents of his stomach.  
  
"Oh shit," Duo said, hauling Heero to his feet. "C'mon, buddy, work with me here."  
  
Leaning heavily on Duo, Heero managed to get to the bathroom just in time to vomit into the toilet. Duo supported him as he retched, an event that seemed to last a miserable eternity. Finally, when he was just dry-heaving, he reached a shaky hand and fumbled for the handle, then tried to stand. His legs were malfunctioning, however, and folded underneath him. Duo helped him to his feet and made him rinse out his mouth with water.  
  
"Shoulda known better than t' let you drink all that whiskey," Duo muttered. "But I kinda thought that you'd be inured to the stuff, you being Superman and all."  
  
"I'm okay," Heero slurred, feeling very dizzy and unhappy. He wobbled on his feet as Duo guided him out of the bathroom.   
  
"I beg to differ," Duo said, catching their balance again.  
  
Not knowing exactly how it occurred, he found himself lying in his bed with Duo's face close to his. His eyes locked on Duo's and he saw something lurking in the indigo orbs, something that made a shiver trace his spine. What was it? It made him forget that his head was spinning.  
  
Duo leaned a hair closer, his alcohol-scented breath warm on Heero's neck. The shiver became more pronounced and his stomach twisted - neither violently or unpleasantly - in anticipation. In his drunken mind, he was sure something was about to happen - though he couldn't bring himself to realize what that something was. The American's lips twitched. Heero licked his own.  
  
Then Duo drew back rapidly and pulled blankets up over the Japanese man's body.  
  
"Go to sleep, Heero," he commanded, turning away.  
  
"Ah... aa," Heero murmured, immediately losing a grip on consciousness now that there was nothing to occupy his attention. The last thing he registered was half-formed and unexpected disappointment setting in.  
  
  
  
  
Duo's hangover the next morning was not as bad as some that he'd survived, but it was by no means a walk in the park. He woke with cotton-mouth and smelling like whiskey, which elicited a wave of nausea. But, as he was a "hard-drinking lad" and used to dealing with hangovers, he managed to keep his body from rebelling. He heaved his pounding head up to look around.  
  
* Well, nothing's burnt. That's always a good sign. * he thought with heavy sarcasm, recalling the marshmallow incident at Hilde's cookout. It had taken days to get the sticky goo out of his braid. * What did I do last night? *  
  
It took a minute to marshal his brain cells into any kind of order, but eventually they rallied enough support to play back the argument with Heero, Heero's confession, and then Heero getting sick in the bathroom. Then his memory took vicious delight in replaying that moment when he'd been putting Heero in bed. He groaned, angry at himself. In that moment, he'd been so close to losing control. Heero had been so close, and he'd looked so wonderful with his face flushed and eyes bright from the alcohol. Duo hadn't cared that Heero would probably taste disgusting, having just tossed his cookies. All he could focus on was Heero's cobalt blue eyes looking up at him trustingly as he licked his lips almost in anticipation...  
  
* God, there's an memory that's going to be fun in the shower. * he thought and tried to dislodge it from his mind for the present. He had to get a grip on himself.  
  
He was laying sprawled on the couch, and his back hurt where the ancient and unaccommodating springs dug into him. His neck had a crick, and he was cold for some reason. He yawned and stretched cautiously, and turned to peer out the window. He saw a wall of white and frowned as he shivered.  
  
It wasn't all that strange for it to snow this high up and at this time of year. Winter, having only just relinquished it's grasp, sometimes reasserted itself in this fashion. However, the cabin hadn't been built for winter use. It was made for summer hunters, and no heating system had been installed. Duo frowned harder and got up. He'd have to improvise too avoid freezing. He dragged his bedraggled form around the peninsula and opened the oven door. Then he turned on the oven and all the burners on the stovetop.  
  
After a brief thought of breakfast - which his stomach firmly protested - Duo decided to go back to sleep until the worst of his hangover was gone. However, he couldn't manage to drag his sorry self up to his bunk, so he ripped various blankets off the bed and bundled up on the couch.   
  
He was already hanging on the verge of a dream when the roll of paper towels he hadn't noticed sitting on the stove-top burst into flame.  
  
  
  
  
// All my blisters now revealed  
In the darkness of my dreams  
In the spaces in between us//  
  
  
  
  
Heero woke himself with coughing, choking on the acrid clouds of smoke that pervaded the house. He assessed the situation; in a series of milliseconds he had determined that the cabin was on fire, Duo was unconscious on the couch, and that his own head ached viciously. Putting the last observation aside as irrelevant, Heero rolled out of bed and crawled across the floor to the couch. As the flames and smoke were mostly coming from the kitchen, he judged they had a small amount of time before they were in danger of anything besides smoke inhalation.  
  
"Duo!" he shouted, rising to his knees to shake Duo's shoulder. The braided ex-pilot groaned and coughed, but nothing would rouse him completely.  
  
As soon as this was apparent, Heero hoisted Duo off the couch and over his shoulder. He hurriedly rushed out of the cabin and into a blizzard. The shock from hot to cold seemed to bring Duo to semi-consciousness, because he began to squirm in Heero's grasp. Heero put him down unceremoniously in a snowbank. Then he rushed back into the cabin and managed to salvage both their jackets and bags before the roof caved in.  
  
By that time, he was back out in the snow, forcing Duo to put his jacket on. It was a chore because the other young man was now coughing up thick, black mucus and shivering almost convulsively.  
  
"What's - happening?" Duo managed to gasp between coughing fits.  
  
"The cabin burnt down," Heero replied. He frowned as he said it, because he hadn't the vaguest idea how this turn of events had come about.  
  
"Shit," Duo said, turning pale as he repressed his coughs. "There must've been something on the stove."  
  
"You know what happened?" Heero demanded.  
  
"Sort of," came the miserable reply. "I woke up and it was cold 'cause of this blizzard. There wasn't a heater or anything in the house, so I cranked up the stove and oven so we wouldn't turn to popsicles. Obviously, something was close enough to start on fire.   
  
"I'd apologize, but 'sorry' doesn't really cover it, does it?" Duo finished weakly, not looking up to meet Heero's gaze. His face burned with shame at his idiocy. It was such a stupid simple mistake. God, what must Heero think of him now?  
  
Heero didn't reply, merely pulled on his own smokey-smelling jacket and waded through the snow to his motorcycle. He brushed the collected white flakes from it and started it up. At first, Duo thought Heero was going to abandon him with the crackling and smoking heap that was once a refuge, but the Japanese man stopped next to him.  
  
"We'd better go before someone sees the smoke and comes to put the fire out," was all Heero said.  
  
Duo, relieved, didn't respond at all, merely pulled himself to his feet and shrugged the straps of his backpack on. He hopped on behind Heero, too grateful to care that he was riding on the bitch-seat. He clung to Heero's shoulders as they sped away.  
  
  
  
  
Not too surprisingly, the storm lessened as they went farther down the mountain, and by the time they reached the valley it was a beautiful sunny day. Of course, as they were both still hung-over and not a little demoralized, neither was in the mood to appreciate it. They cruised in the opposite direction of the town Duo had been buying supplies from, and they didn't stop in any of the first few towns along that road, just in case anyone would connect them to the fire.  
  
Finally in the late afternoon, when Duo's headache had abated and his rear was numb from sitting, Heero pulled into the parking lot of a cheap motel on the outskirts of a town. Duo went in to the office negotiate a room while his partner went to fill gas at station across the street. As he waited for Heero to return, Duo brooded over his own stupidity. He'd been doing it all day on the drive, unable to even enjoy the chance to grab onto Heero without the danger of bodily harm. He was fairly certain that Heero had lost all faith in him, and not without good cause.  
  
* Figures. I've managed to blow whatever chance I had of us becoming even just friends. Why didn't I pay more attention this morning? *   
  
He was so embarrassed. If he had a way, he would run very far away. Or hide somewhere where no one would find him. Anything to avoid Heero and humiliation.  
  
While he continued thinking in this vein, he found himself fumbling for his cigarettes out of habit. They'd dried out by now, but somehow they were entirely unappealing. Having just gotten over inhaling all that smoke, he didn't relish the prospect of poisoning his lungs further. He tossed the smokes into a trash can.  
  
Heero, who'd parked the bike and come into the office while Duo was wrapped in his own thoughts, noted this with half a smirk. It took a near-death experience to get the baka to change ~anything~.  
  
"Did you get a room?" he asked quietly. Duo started and turned forty-five degrees to face him.  
  
"Uh - yeah. Let's go, shall we?" Duo said with a grin that he didn't really feel. Heero watched him with narrowed eyes as he left the office, then followed him as they climbed up the metal stairs to the balcony that wrapped in front of the second story rooms.  
  
Their room was the only vacancy in the small motel, located right next to the hotel's bright neon sign. To Duo's dismay, there was only a single queen-sized bed in the room, and only two hard-backed chairs and a table in the way of other furniture. Looked like either they'd have to share or one would have to sleep on the floor. A quick glance at the floor's carpet - stained, crusty, or even burnt in a few places - ruled out the latter suggestion.  
  
* Shit. * Duo thought.  
  
"You hungry?" Heero asked as soon as they had put their things down on the chairs.  
  
Food having been the least of his concerns all day long, Duo hadn't noticed until Heero said something. "Yeah."  
  
Heero didn't even bother to say something like, "I'll be right back," or, "Dinner's on me tonight," before he spun on his heel and exited the room. Half an hour later, he returned bearing white cardboard boxes filled with Chinese food. Duo gave a pleased exclamation before he wrestled some of the cartons away from Heero. They both ate ravenously  
  
"Geeze! Is it warm in here, or is it just me?" Duo asked as he finished the spicy sweet-and-sour chicken. He chugged his soda down to quench the burning feeling in his mouth. Heero watched with a bemused expression on his face, and when Duo had finished his soda, the Japanese man offered his own.   
  
It had been a nerve-racking day for both ex-pilots, so when night fell, they were weary enough to just want to go to sleep. Heero crawled under the covers on one side of the bed as Duo finished re-bandaging the wound on his ankle. The American moved from his seat at the table to the bed, but he didn't get between the sheets.  
  
"Aren't you going to be cold?" Heero asked him, puzzled at this behavior.  
  
"Nah, man, I'm still getting over that spicy chicken. I'd overheat if I went under the covers," Duo said, twisting the truth a bit but not ~quite~ lying.   
  
Heero merely shrugged, turned out the light, then muttered, "Oyasumi."  
  
"G'night," Duo replied in kind.  
  
Within a few minutes, Duo realized he was not going to be able to sleep well. Aside from the obvious circumstances, the flickering red light from the sign outside leaked through a crack in the heavy curtains and hit him right in the face. With a small huff of disgust, he turned onto his side, determined to fall asleep. After an indeterminate length of time, he gave up. He got up and crept out of the room. He bought a pack of cigarettes from the vending machine next to the ice machine, and was about to light one up when he looked back at the door to his and Heero's room.  
  
He'd left it open, and could clearly see inside was an inferno of vivid red and orange flames. Black smoke poured out, and from inside came screaming.  
  
"Heero," Duo said, sick horror filling his heart. He threw the cigarettes down and ran back towards the room. The balcony shook and bobbed as he ran, then gave way. Duo tumbled down, and landed painfully on the ground.  
  
Around him lay smouldering debris; the smell of singed hair hung strong in the air. With a wave of panic, he realized he was seeing the remains of the Maxwell Church, complete was dismembered and charred bodies. He saw Sister Helen trying to crawl to another victim's side, and then he saw who it was. No sound would come from his throat as he tried to scream.  
  
  
  
  
Heero had woken up to the bed shaking. Puzzled, he turned over to face Duo. The young man was shuddering in the grip of sleep, illuminated by the inconstant red glare of the neon sign. His brows were knit and his face slicked with sweat. He groaned slightly, tossing his head on the pillow.  
  
* Nightmare. * Heero decided, then reached out and shook Duo's shoulder.   
  
Duo gave a hoarse cry and jerked upright. He panted and looked around wildly, his braid twitching as he turned his head this way and that. Finally, he gave a sigh and relaxed back onto the bed. He covered his face with his hands.  
  
"You okay?" Heero asked quietly. Duo started, as if he hadn't known Heero was awake.  
  
"I'm fine," he replied. "Go back to sleep."  
  
"You had a nightmare," Heero said, and Duo nodded. When the American didn't say anything else, he reached out a hand again and put it on Duo's shoulder. "You wanna talk about it?"  
  
"Nah, man, don't worry about it," Duo said, moving his hands off his face. Heero could see the remnants of fear and desperation on his face, and frowned.  
  
"Why do you do this?" he demanded irritatedly. "Why do you help ~me~ and then not let me help ~you~?"  
  
Duo turned his neck to look at Heero, that same ~something~ that had made Heero shiver last night in his eyes. Heero felt his breath catch nervously in his throat, but he plunged onward.  
  
"Why won't you open up? You say I'm always hiding my emotions, but you do it more. You hide behind a smile and a laugh and don't let anyone know what you're thinking," he said, unconsciously sidling closer to glare into Duo's eyes. Duo met the gaze for a long, long moment, then sighed.  
  
"Insightful as ever, I see," he said wearily, then paused. "My nightmare was about fire. I dreamt this room was on fire, and you were trapped inside. I couldn't get in to save you. And then I was back at the wreckage of the Maxwell Church, and Sister Helen - she was dying."  
  
He stopped there, eyes closing for a long moment, his jaw clenching. Heero gave the shoulder he held a firm squeeze.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said.  
  
"S'not your fault," Duo told him shortly.  
  
Heero hesitated, at a loss for what to do. Then, haltingly, unsurely, he leaned even farther over and wrapped his arms around Duo in an awkward hug. The other man, for his part, made a shocked noise and stiffened in surprise before relaxing. Duo's arms came to return it tentatively. They stayed like that for a long moment, and Heero was surprised at how... safe, how utterly content he was. How nice it was to be so near to someone, so trusting of another.  
  
Duo shifted against him, adjusting his arms so now one rested on Heero's waist on top of the blankets. Strangely enough, he wished there wasn't such a separation. In fact, he found himself drawing nearer into his friend's embrace. Duo smelt like sweat, but not in a bad way, and his hair gave off a not-quite-feminine scent of shampoo. Before, he'd only been this close to Duo when one of them was wounded. In this context, it was very different. He could feel Duo's breath on his neck and face and barely suppressed a shiver. What was this? Why did it so befuddle his mind and sharpen every other sense? He felt a warmth starting in his abdomen, a sort of thick heat that mired clear thoughts with half-formed hazy sultry ones.   
  
And with a strange thrill, he realized ~what~ he felt. He was attracted to Duo.  
  
  
  
  
//But no bodies ever knew  
nobodys  
No bodies felt like you  
nobodys//  
  
  
  
  
Heero tensed, and felt Duo do the same.  
  
"What is it?" Duo asked worriedly.  
  
As if his voice was a trigger, when he spoke Heero felt a tsunami of fear crash down upon him. He jerked out of Duo's arms, and rolled out of bed. Duo uttered a wordless exclamation of surprise, which Heero ignored as he rushed into the tiny, questionably clean bathroom and locked the door.   
  
He panted, from panic rather than from physical exertion, and leaned against the door. In a matter of moments, his world was turned upside-down. Attracted to Duo? The thought brought on a rush of mixed emotions. Sudden understanding shot through with cold, hard fear and tangled in with desire and affection, all knotted in his chest and belly. He felt like he would retch as he had last night under the influence of alcohol.  
  
* Shit * Heero thought, stumbling forward to grip the sides of the rust-stained sink. He looked at his pale, skittish reflection in the cracked mirror, and tried to calm himself. He had to breathe; he had to think.  
  
* Well, * observed a detached part of his mind, * this certainly explains why Relena doesn't appeal to me physically. *  
  
He sobered at that. He'd known he didn't desire Relena, as much easier as that would make his life. He'd never felt attraction to anyone, man or woman. At least, that's what he thought at first. Then he examined how he felt about Duo, and found that his emotions towards the other pilot were unchanged despite this new factor. He still respected him, still valued his friendship, still wanted to know him better. The revelation just added a piece to the puzzle, and a few things that didn't quite connect suddenly did.  
  
But, Heero realized, if his feelings towards the American were unchanged, that meant that he had ~always~ been attracted to Duo. Had always had - what was it? affection? - for Duo. How long had he felt this way? When had Duo managed to squirm his way into Heero's heart? The empty, gnawing hollowness which had plagued him somehow vanished with the unveiling of this new emotion. He felt whole for the first time since... for the first time.  
  
Yet it frightened him. Could he trust someone so deeply? Could he actually give someone so much power over him? Would Duo try to control him, as Relena had, if he found out? Heero didn't think he could bear that thought.  
  
"Heero?" Duo's voice called through the thin door. "Are you okay?"  
  
Heero started at the sound, and pulled himself together. He made a lightning-quick decision. He wouldn't act on these newly discovered feelings. Duo hadn't shown any interest in him romantically, and he didn't want to risk alienating him, not when he, Heero, was starting to actually trust him. Besides which, Heero knew Duo already loved someone. It would be unfair to Duo to have to deal with another romantic interest.  
  
Slowly, he opened the door and stepped out.  
  
"I'm fine," he lied. "Just had a hang-over relapse."  
  
Duo titled his head as he stared at him disbelievingly.  
  
"Right. Whatever you say, Heero," he said, his tone clearly sarcastic. He didn't press the subject, however. After a pause, he continued talking, "Look, I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight. Are you feeling up to heading out now? We could go somewhere fun."  
  
"'Somewhere fun'? Like where?"  
  
"I dunno. Maybe like the beach. I've always wanted to hang out on some tropical island and drink from cocoanut shell-cups," Duo explained with a big, silly grin.  
  
"Hn. Baka," Heero pronounced out of habit, but he pondered it. "Why not?"  
  
"Woo-hoo! Get our stuff together while I go pay the bill, okay?" Duo said energetically, as if the last ten minutes had never happened. He pulled on his jacket and bounded out the door.  
  
Heero shook his head after he left. The ex-pilot of Deathscythe may be a deep, insightful young man, but he sure as hell took pains to make sure no one would ever guess. Heero threw what few possessions they had back into their bags and slung one over each shoulder. Other than the fact he would have to control himself strictly now, he had a feeling this adventure would be 'fun' as Duo had said.  
  
He met up with Duo down by the motorcycle. Duo sighed resignedly and made to hop up on the bitch-seat.   
  
"Wait," Heero said. Duo stopped and looked at him questioningly. He hesitated before adding, "I don't know the way to the beach."  
  
Duo's lips and brows twitched. Then he began to laugh richly. He slapped Heero on the back exuberantly. "Don't worry 'bout that. I'll find it eventually."  
  
Duo mounted in the driver's seat, and started the engine growling. Heero slid into place behind him, arms twining about Duo's midsection. He flushed as he suddenly realized that this might be taken the wrong way by Duo, and loosened his grip, but only slightly. He may have control of his emotions to some extent, but he was weak enough to allow himself to indulge this once.  
  
Duo gunned the throttle, and they sped off into the night, leaving only the scent of burnt rubber behind.  
  
  
  
//Love is suicide  
Love is suicide  
Love is suicide//  
  
  
  
  
  
END  
  
  
  
  
Well, that didn't turn out like I thought it would. Now I suppose I'll have to write a sequel. Pooh. I don't like sequels.   
  
Psyche: It's your own fault. :P  
  
Yeah, I know. But what did you all think, huh? Huh? ::threateningly:: Tell me!  
  
Thalia: Calm down. I'm sure they all will review... at least, they will if they know what's good for them!  
  
Eros: SEND C&C!!!! Please? With sugar on top? 


End file.
